Stress, Welly and a damn fine Goose

It has been some time since my last blog and much has happened in the run up to "I have to go shopping", "A Turkey is HOW MUCH!!!" and who can forget the classic "Where exactly did you put the decorations last year?". In my house I can honestly say I have given up trying, Welly has been walking around stressed to the max for the last two weeks and quite frankly if his mood does not improve, it will not be the Goose getting stuffed I can assure you. I have written the cards but failed to post them, bought most of the presents and have failed to wrap them, my house needs a bloody good clean but, yep I failed on that front too, so here I am with less than a week to go and I am at breaking point. I have come to the conclusion that it can all wait because as long as there is food and wine all will be well with the world. I am ignoring the fact my wine, ordered ages ago, has not been delivered, the tickets my pal promised for my favourite band are not forthcoming and I have to now spend Friday night doing all the housework I have been ignoring. I am now off to the hospital to give them the information they failed to get from my Barnsley Hospital notes, then I hope to arrange getting my plate out of my arm, finally. I think a large drink is in order followed by putting The Pogues on the stereo really loud and getting my head into the housework. You didn't really think I was going to tackle cleaning while sober did you?...

The latest "Wellyism"? The new president of America is called Alabama!

Ok people have a great weekend and will write more soon.

Angie xx

The joy that is Wellyism's

I am the proud girlfriend of a lovely man known to all as Welly (obviously not his real name!) and he is, to be fair, a natural blond. Welly has the wonderful ability to stuff up words and get them wrong which (without meaning to be) is funny as hell for me to such an extent, I have started writing them down. Lets start with the quote that started it all...

We were discussing gardening, a passion of mine, and I thought I would have a go at growing Asparagus but, as it takes a couple of years to establish, I explained to Welly I would need an area that would be away from the dogs, grand kids or other animals. As ever he gave me every sign he was listening. I ended by saying "So, what do you think"? He replied "Yeah, great babe, that's a fabulous film"... I was a little confused until I realised what he meant, I had to really bite my tongue before saying "Honey, I think you'll find that was Spartacus!" Nice to know he pays attention.

OK so that gives you an idea of how he thinks so try this one, TV had a arts programme on discussing the up and coming shows that are planned for next year and one of them was "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert" which I am very much looking forward to as I am a huge fan of the film and bless him he had to ask "Is that the life story of that Indian girl who won Miss World"? You know what? I think I will take him...

At this point I must stress Welly is a very intelligent man, he is just well, blond! His daughter is no different, she thought a mariner is where you park a boat and cat nip is when your moggie goes out for a night on the tiles.

Is there any hope, no! Is it funny, HELL YES. Blonds rock on a comic scale!

Scary Mary Revenge!

I went Bingo again last night and won a large enough sum to consider retirement and a holiday abroad, well alright perhaps a tenner won't get me that far but it felt really good and cheered me up no end after the rotten week I have had. Scary Mary was out in force and (like I expected any different) a fight kicked off in the middle of a game between a family of travelling folk and (I am sure the 90 year old from previous blog) a little old lady!

It started when the travelling folk dared to chat during the game, if you have ever been Bingo you know this is next to swapping your granny for a shell suit, but I digress, anyway little old lady shushed them, a lovely exchange of docker language followed by our little old lady turning purple and exploding.. ok thats not true, but she did chuck a full scale wobbler on a par with "Honerable No.1" Grandson. Little old lady stood to her full height (about 3 foot 6!) and told them in no uncertain terms that if they did not shut up she was going to throw them out, to which they all stood up and told her they would quite happily question her parentage and escort her quietly, to a new home at the local church graveyard. At this point I have to point out that this happened in Dagenham which is classed as the "East End of London" to most folk, and that of course means East End War spirit... Ever seen an entire Bingo Hall stand up and look like a riot about to happen? Upshot was the travelling folk decided to move on. Life is never dull in Dagenham.

Many thanks to my sister Sarah for teaching me how to paragraph!

Death of Betty Bird

It is with a very heavy heart that I blog today. My pet Crow known as Betty died yesterday morning. So as a memorial to her, I would like to share her short but good life with you all so I know she will always be remembered.

My partner and I have been rescuing animals for over 10 years and we both have our favourite beasts, mine are Rotties, Dobermans and Bearded Dragons, for my "dearly beloved" it is Rotties, Dobermans and Crows. We had never rescued a bird before but knew how my "dearly beloved" wanted one. One day about 3 years ago I got the call I had been waiting for. I was called to a house because they had a baby Crow that had been the sole survivor of a cat attack on the nest, unfortunately for my little feathered friend, both parents and all siblings had been killed so I took the bird home to recover until we could let them free in September with all the other flappers of the season. After taking the bird home and introducing them to there new temporary home, it was on to the Internet to learn all we could. We phoned our Vet for advice who put us in touch with a few specialised local rescue homes who all offered to take the crow in but, as it was only going to be a few months until her release, we decided to keep the bird at home instead, with their support.

We christened her "Betty" as she reminded me of my mum (very feisty and beautiful). Betty settled in well and we slowly but surely helped her learn to fly. Around this time I noticed that despite "dearly beloved" spending more time with her than I, Betty seemed to prefer my company. One Sunday night I was reading my Tarot Cards in my little circle on the floor when Betty suddenly flew down and perched herself on my shoulder. It felt amazing to have this huge bird sat on me! It was then I realised that as I worked, she was watching my every move from her vantage point and it occurred to me that she was my very first "familiar". My simplest explanation of a "familiar" is what a black cat is to a witch. From then on whenever I worked, Betty would join me in my circle, much to the annoyance of "dearly beloved".

Betty grew and was getting too large for her cage so we got her a bigger one and got ready to set her free. Two weeks before her release she caught on of her claws in a tree stump and broke her leg trying to release herself. We caught her and took her straight to the Vet expecting the worse, after x-rays it showed 2 options, amputation or be put down. We decided she deserved another chance so we had her leg removed even though this meant she would never be able to fly free as other birds would attack her. We then turned our living room into an aviary which raised a few eyebrows amongst our friends but not only did she survive this major operation, she recovered very quickly too. All too often it is the stress that kills. Betty made friends with my 3 cats and played happily with them for the next couple of years. She was fine with one of my dogs but the others she just bullied and pecked when given the chance! Betty had a very full life for a Crow and enjoyed playing with various toys and throwing bedding material all over the floor, she was also brilliant at waking you up as soon as the sun rose which I have to say, as a human, not good but at least it was natural... For her! Betty was a good friend who seemed to listen when you talked to her and she would do anything for a Chilli Dorito crisp. Our Betty passed away in her sleep and we found her yesterday morning with her head under her wing, very peaceful. I miss her more than words and she enriched my life in many ways.

Rest in peace my little feathered friend. Betty RIP.

Unwanted baby showers & Elephants

Hello, I have had a bit of a mad weekend and in true blogging style thought I would share it with you.

Friday started out cool as finally got up to date with stuff in work which included the freezer department (a section in work that are very frosty to others). I used my very best polite mode with the freezer department in order to get the information I needed to finish my report and despite them arguing the toss I used a well known side tactic of smiling, walking out, and then, after the boss starts chewing my ear wanting to know where his information is, telling the truth! Raised a few eyebrows as my office are not familiar with the phrase "Truth" but very good with the following "Not my fault", "I asked so and so to do it" and the complete classic, " Oh that, (Enter name of someone off sick) was going to take care of it". Hence to say the information turned up super fast although I don't think I'll be getting a Christmas Card, ho hum!

Friday evening must be mentioned as one of class. I was invited to a baby shower which, in my humble opinion, is incredibly bad luck before the birth, even though I disliked the girl at school and like her even less now, I went as apparently no one cares about her and that caused my sympathy gene to kick in, as did the treat of my sister's foot up my backside if I dared not turn up. Upshot was apart from my sister, me and our mum, who was hosting the party, and the expectant lady's mum (who don't like her either), no one turned up apart from a friend of the expectant father (who was also missing). Between my sister and I, we had previously arranged a bet to get the strangest word into the conversation, I chose Elephant and succeeded twice, both times she missed it so gave up on that one. Have to admit it is a really good game and fun when in a boring situation.Anyway I digress, back to the plot. The friend of the expectant father who arrived, turned out to be a very old friend who I have not seen in over 20 years and remembers me as the little girl she babysat for. I remember her as being really cool as she took me to Girl Guides and had a bright red trill telephone in the hallway (way cool even now). We at this point, are still waiting for the expectant mother to turn up. It was getting late and we decided it would be waste of food, so we ate it, I continued "quality controlling" a bottle of white rum which I have to admit for a cheapo is highly recommended if only I could remember the damn name of it... The expectant mother who had no idea we were throwing her a shower decided not to turn up but after some strong words from my mother (DON'T MESS!) she duly arrived. We left some very sound advice in a book for her to read later which contained some gems such as "Here is NHS Direct telephone number, vasectomies are now free" and "Get a lock for the door under the stairs and stick baby in when stressed, after all, look what it did for Harry Potter!" and "It REALLY is a good idea to have another baby straight after this one". OK fair enough you can see where we were going with this but to be honest this girl is so unpleasant, she never even said thank you. Enough said. After leaving I went back to my sisters place where we finished off a bottle of Baileys whilst I awaited my prince charming to drive me home, hence to say I got home and my prince charming went into a loopy because my dog (only mine when she has done something wrong) had eaten through the wiring on his car. I know I should feel bad but I did say not to put her in the car alone as she gets stressed but you know men, it is never that simple. I had heard enough and went straight to bed as I was too slaughtered to write my blog, let alone argue.

Saturday was a bad headache day made worse by prince charming borrowing my car then telling me (over the phone) to expect the grandchildren at noon, AHHHHH! No babe, I did not need to go food shopping or see my friends that I could not see due to working all week while you have been at home!

Kids turned up at noon and as they are 1 and 2 you can imagine they are hard work, fun but hard. They got picked up around seven and I spent then rest of the night playing games on my laptop. Sunday I got up and went shopping (gotta love my local farm shop) and bought some fabulous local produce then spent the rest of the day cooking, my favourite pastime. Was a very bad girl that eve as I spent the evening getting very drunk, singing to my favourite drinking songs. I was late for work today (Monday)...

Bingo & Scary Mary

My step daughter mentioned a few weeks ago she really needed a break from the kids once a week and would I like to go Bingo. I got to admit I am virgin Bingo player so thought "Hey, why not" and off we went. I was slightly dubious as the last time we left the kids with my other half we came back to find the house completely trashed and my front door sporting a wonderful hole courtesy of my other half's head! Nevertheless off we went and damn, I have been to a few strange places but nothing prepared me for the terror that is Bingo...

There seems to be a few unwritten rules regarding going to the Bingo for instance, you must weigh at least 20 stone and be really old. You get extra points for looking "Scary Mary" and believe me I saw some bloody horrors tonight. On the other hand I like going as there is always someone fatter/older/uglier than me and it does wonders for my self esteem! I might be taking the mickey but I was gutted tonight, I was one number off winning 20K...AHHHHHHHH! Never mind, perhaps next week eh!. Oh and if you do go to Bingo don't make the same mistake as me and attempt to go for a fag in the smoking shelter during the break. Imagine this, a barrage of women running for the door with elbows and handbags flying, I actually saw a woman of around 90 smack another with her bag and shove her into a wall in a desperate attempt to get the door first. I thought at the time, damn, how badly do they need to smoke? It was pointed out to me later that they have machines that play Bingo during the break that are in the smoking shelter and they rush to hog them. My class comment of the day? In the smoking shelter tonight (which I braved purely out of desperation for a fag) a lady in a wheelchair came out and we all noticed how badly her legs were shaking, another lady piped up "You OK? It is bloody freezing out here" to which the wheelchair user replied "No, I am not cold. I have Parkinson's!" I really did not know where to look but honestly, it was the funniest comment I have heard in years. Just a footnote, I did speak to the lady afterwards and she did say it was really hard to keep a straight face, and I have to say, now I have spoken to her, she has a wicked sense of humour.

Keep smiling people xxxx

A Good Day

Ok after my last rant which I have to admit I feel loads better for, I had a reply from a friend on twitter.com who's simple words of kindness and support made me realise perhaps I had gone a little too far and was worrying unduly. I talked to my Doctor and found that my situation is not as bad as I thought and yes today has turned into a good one.

I have been waiting for nearly a year to get a plate removed from my arm as it causes me pain but have been held up because of one hospital not getting my notes from the other but when I saw the Doctor he gave me the letter I have been waiting for and with any luck I will be fixed by Christmas and can go back playing football again. My dream would be to play on West Ham's pitch as my aunt played for West Ham and England and I know how chuffed she would be to know I am following in her footsteps. But lets face it, at my age the ability to go more than 15 minutes without a oxygen mask is a bonus, bloody good fun though!

This blogging lark is doing marvels for my temper, it is a lot easier to rant on my blog than take it out on others, I am more calm than I normal am so that has to be a good thing. Anyway enough for now, more later.

Petrol Stations

I am all for new technology but it seems to me that others are a tad confused. I fill up the car with petrol every week and normally use Tesco as I get loyalty points which means cash off our Christmas shopping, and, they are normally cheaper than my local garage (who are the rudest people in the world and deserve a blog all of there own just to fit in my complaints!) but I am getting fed up at the stupidity of others.

Tesco have (and used for some time) a superb "Pay at Pump" option and now dedicate 2 pumps at the far end of the station to accommodate this. It is really quick and simple to use and saves me having to go into the shop therefore saving me time, but every time I use it I always get stuck behind the pillock who did not notice the bloody great big sign saying "Pay at Pump Only" in large enough letters it can be seen from space, they also fail to spot the notice stuck over the front and then, not to be seen as silly, start ranting at the poor person in the shop that they cannot get the pump to work! By the time they have finished I could have driven to the North Sea, pumped out raw materials, refined it, driven to garage and filled up their system and finally filled up myself all before pillock twit has worked out that he has to go to another pump. Come on people, the signs are everywhere, there is no excuse unless your illiterate and if you are, how the bloody hell did you pass your theory driving test and how do you read road signs!!! Ok a little harsh and I mean no disrespect to those who are illiterate but lets face it, if you can't read the chances of you knowing what I have written is low! Ok I had better go before the hate mail starts.

Have a great weekend people!

Wedding Survival

Well, I survived the wedding without stacking it up the aisle on stupidly high heels (but fabulous shoes) and managed to open my eyes on Sunday with a small hangover and 3 children which amazed me as strickly speaking I don't have any!

After further investigation (as after the amount of Scotch I poured down my neck I deserved more than a headache) it transpired the children belonged to the bride & groom and had stayed overnight to allow for a overnight stay for the parents, in a hotel.

Class comment came from the youngest who exlaimed after passing a Caravan Sales Site complete with Winnebago on show court front, "Auntie Angie, they've stole your house!" It took some time and visit back to mine to convince her that no one had stolen my caravan and that everything was as it should be. Bless her, made my day!

I am feeling so happy today as it is All Hallows Eve, my favourate date in the calender year. The fact I am stuck in work is a bit of a downer but other than that got good things planned for today and the weekend as this is Friday. Off to Party at my sisters house then onto another party later then tomorrow I am chief bridesmaid at another sisters wedding although I am very nervous about this, I am just not comfy in a dress unless it is a 1940 or 1950 style.

Found out yesterday my step son is joining the Royal Scottish Fusalliers (not sure on spelling!) and although I am very proud of him I feel so sad and anxious that he is



a) leaving to join the army.

b) he might get hurt.



Of course, we are all supporting him in his decision which we all believe to be the right one but to be honest, I am just finding it hard to let go and realising suddenly, my little step son is not so little anymore, I want to wrap in up in cotton wall but I suppose we all have to let go at some stage. As a step mum it is hard for others to understand how close you become to your partners children and how much these children mean to you, the unconditional love thing keeps jumping up and bitting my bum. Not something I ever expected to feel.